How do I raise kids . . . and disciples?
by robert Krumrey
A question that many in the modern age are asking is, “How do I raise my kids?” There are a plethora of books, workshops, and podcasts on this topic. We are also bombarded with lots of opinions about the topic from family, friends, even strangers. Many of these ideas are nothing more than reactions against how things were done by a previous generation of parents. The truth is that there is no simple formula for raising healthy kids. Human beings are complicated and nurturing them is always going to take a tremendous amount of wisdom and effort. One place that people (including Christians) fail to look for help with parenting is the Bible. We go to the good book for truth on beliefs and practices in a myriad of different categories, but bring up what the Bible says about parenting and you may find yourself met with awkward silences or defensive rebuttals.
Last Sunday’s sermon was an effort to explain one of the most important parenting passages in the New Testament - Ephesians 6:1-4. According to this passage, bringing up baby requires one to instruct and discipline one’s child in a highly relational manner. This is an effective way to parent, in part, because it is a reflection of how God parents us. God speaks truth to us, God confronts us regarding our sin, and God does both of these in the context of relationship. This kind of parenting is designed by God to serve as a template for understanding the bad news of our sin and the good news of our salvation which should be the ultimate goal for any Christian parent.
This kind of framework also informs discipleship. Every church that is serious about the Bible is serious about discipleship. There are many different ways to accomplish this kind of ministry, but to be effective, there must be a culture of instruction, discipline, and relationship. American churches seem to swing toward instruction OR relationship. Those who lean on the instruction side offer lots of classes that are heavy on conveying truth. Disciples in these kinds of churches show their maturity by learning more stuff. In contrast, the churches who lean on the relationship side shy away from doctrine and spend time almost solely in fellowship and prayer. Disciples in these kinds of churches show that they are mature by being relationally close to others. Leaning too far on either side is out of balance and will not produce healthy disciples who make disciples.
Even if you do strike a good instruction/relationship balance, you still won’t be doing all you can to grow disciples in the local church. Just like children can be instructed and related with and still fail to obey, disciples can be instructed and related with and fail to obey. Raising healthy disciples is going to include discipline. Look at this description of life together in the local church by the Apostle Paul:
“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.”
In this passage there is both “teaching AND admonishing” going on in the church and it is being done among “one another”. Mere classes are not enough. There is a need for correction, warning, and discipline. Notice also that the ultimate authority is Christ himself who is expressing that authority through his word. His word that is “dwelling richly” in the membership of the church. This word that has been planted in each believer is being accessed in the ongoing relationships between believers who are not only close enough to admonish one another but are also intimately worshipping God together with psalms, hymns, and songs.
The Bible also speaks to the ministry of admonishment in the context of leadership. In Paul’s closing remarks to the Thessalonians he gives them this charge:
“We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves.”
Paul is exhorting the Thessalonians to respect their leaders, but he is also letting us know that part of the job of church leadership is to “admonish” those in the congregation. This certainly applies to elders and other official leaders in the church, but he doesn’t state this explicitly. It is “those who labor among you and are over you”. The more mature believers being described here are expected to be admonishing younger believers. No one can just hear instruction and get it the first time. We all have blind spots and deficits and need disciple makers to help us see the ways we haven’t matured into God’s vision for walking with Jesus.
The ultimate authority of course is God which he expresses through his word. In Paul’s second letter to the young pastor Timothy he tells him this:
“All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.”
Again, we see that the sacred writings (aka Scripture) that are inspired by God have been given to the church and to the church leader. This body of knowledge is not just for teaching but also for reproof, correction, and training. A culture of discipleship is going to have this highly relational expression of both instruction and discipline. The result is being truly equipped for the good works that God has called each believer to participate in both in the church and on mission in the world.
I remember one of the first times I had to add some discipline to instruction in a discipleship relationship. I was working with a college student who was about to go home for the summer to work. He was really growing and was voraciously reading his Bible. He made an offhand comment about how his summer job was paid with cash only and that there was a culture in this particular business of only reporting half of the income in order to save money on taxes. The income was paying for his school because his parents didn’t have any money to contribute to his education. I nervously brought up the fact that this kind of behavior lacked integrity and lacked a willingness to trust in God as one’s provider. He hedged a bit, saying that everyone else was doing it and that it was normal and . . . Then he stopped himself and with resolve in his voice declared that he planned to trust God and do the right thing no matter what kinds of hardships might come his way. It was a really important turning point in his walk with God.
Of course these kinds of conversations need to be handled with care and they don’t always go as well as the one mentioned above. Like child rearing, one does not want to exasperate people with correction. One must be prayerful and come from a heart of genuine care for those being made disciples. Like a parent, disciple makers sacrifice greatly when spending the time and energy to prayerfully figure these dynamics out, but the result is fully formed disciples who can disciple others. So let the word of Christ dwell in you richly today as you teach and admonish one another!